The school year is comming to an end and I am pritty busy getting ready to graduate from high school.  I have decided on the college  I am going to and by some miracle, I have recieved close to a full ride.  All thats between me and my life at college is the long summer...but it will come soon.  I am planning on training for another position at work so I will be able to pick up twice the hours during the summer. This will help because I am getting a car and  I have to pay for insurance and repairs on my own once I go to college.  I think the college I chose is a college I will love.  Hopefully that is the case.  I have already toured the college and talked to the counselors so all thats left is orientation.  Yippie. I am planning to live on the campus in the dorms so I will have more freedom to make friends and have some fun...but not too much fun .. lol. It seems that everything might work out after all, but I must get through the summer first.

I still talk to Matt today...after all this time.  It's been over three years since I've met him...and 2 since I've written that letter about him, and yet I still feel the same way.  For some reason I sill can't tell him how I feel.  When I work up the courage to do so, it never seems like the right time and I turn chicken.... He has gone through a few girlfriends in the past 2 years and each time he tells me it's over between them I feel relieved and I want to tell him right then.  I fear he will find someone else before I can tell him.  We remain good friends.. I guess it is better to have him as a friend forever than to risk telling him how I feel and making it uncomfortable between us if he dosn't feel the same way.  Maybe I will change my mind.  What if he feels the same way and we are ment for each other?  I would feel stupid for keeping my feelings locked up in a little box if that is the case..  Yet maybe I just need to move on...he probably would have said something already if he liked me as more than a friend.... dont you think?

It's a Saturday and since I was off work I decided to go see a movie. I Chose a movie that I saw previews for on TV a little while ago. My mother decided to come along so I looked up the movie time on the net and told her what movie I was going to see and at what time. We went to the movie and of course there was a guy that kept making inapropriate comments through the whole movie that was a "complete jerk" according to my mother. Once we left the theater I had forgotten my purse so I went back and grabbed it and smiled at one of the girls the "complete jerk" was with. I knew the girl from school and a while back she graduated. When we got to the car my mom decided to yell and complain that he was there because "I said that we were going to the movie and at what time and someone is listening to everything we say in the house by satelite". She blamed me for him ..as she said "stalking her" and that I did it on purpose. She said "I am playing games with her and she will not sell me her car and I am not going to college." She said "I knew they were comming to the theater and that I was the one that was telling them where to find her." Well that was a big argument and I told her what I thought of this. I don't know how much I can take of this..I'm tired of arguing with her and being accused of "trying to set her up" for something. The something she is talking about I do not know. Who knows whats going throug her head anymore.

I am 18 ..and in all honesty I have no close friends, probably not even friends at all, outside of my home, which I am constatly reminded is not mine at all.  Hard to believe? Yes it is...but for years and years now ..my mother has crushed any ounce of friendship I knew. My first real friend(that i can remember), at the age of 12 was mentally challenged..not that it mattered at all...I loved hanging out with the group of friends we had. Within a year, my mother would not let me go "hangout" anywhere with them, or let her and our friends go anywhere with me. Her reasoning behind this was that her mother knew our neighbors who she THOUGHT knew my father (her ex husband ...aka to her the worst father that ever exhisted) Another reason she used was that I "acted like THOSE PEOPLE" when I was around her. Every time I made a friend..she always found something wrong with them so that I would never have a real friend. I started working at a care center and I made a few friends with whom I worked. There was also a guy that I liked among them, who was honest,kind, and Christian. None of the other things mattered to her though and I wasn't allowed to go with him to the last Hearts Dance in High School. All that mattered to her was that his last name was the same as a ex-girlfriend of my fathers, and also that he was christian, not catholic as I am. I am 18 and I've never had a close relationship with any guys that my mother knew about. Because of this...any guy that I did go out with ended the relationship because I could not spend any time with him because my mother monitored me like a hawk...literly. I NEVER went to the mall to just hang out with friends, have never been to a school dance, never been out on an actutal date, never been in love, never wore makeup, never picked out my own clothes. She monitors every second of my live when I am not at school, and if she could she would probably control my life there too.  Finally I found a way to make friends.....the only way I know how today...through the internet. Very sad, yes..but what else can I do? ...move out on the little money I have from working?...I am stuck living here until college...which is one winter and one summer away...Recently she has been noticing that I have been online more often than she thinks necessary and she believes that I shouldnt be on the computer at all anymore. The only way I am still connected is because I pay the bill...and my father gave me the computer that I am on today..That didn't stop her for long...she took the d-link that I bought with my own money and decided to hide it just to amuse herself....she gave it back of course...but she just wanted to remind me who was the one with the power to control what I do online..and what I do with my life. When she realized that I was going away to college..she decided to take charge and throw away things..such as my homework...notes...projects that i spend hours working on...Why does someone do this? Is it because she "Cares about me"?... as she explains when she tells me I can't go to a friends 16th birthday party WITH 2 adult supervisors and with no boys...or when I can't go out with a guy I like, who is my age...when I can't have any fun...outside the walls of this house.

Hello all,
    Why is it I am always writing in this really late...or should i say really early in the moring? Something to think about. Anyway summer gym is finally over and I'm not as busy now. Just working when I can..and doing stuff with friends/family. I have two weddings comming up to attend...one is for a cousin and one is for a another cousin? who is older. I don't know..but they are on my dad's side of the family..it should be fun. My friend and her boyfriend are getting close..I can hear the wedding bells also but I'm sure she wouldn't want me to mention her name so you know who you are friend... I just had 16 oz of coffee and I am not a bit tired lol. It was French Vanilla...my favorite. Not much else going on..I have been reading a book or two to keep in practice for the year to come. (Senior Year) woohoo. It's going to be a fun year hopefully because I am turning 18 soon, October 5th. Well, time to get going..Write later.

Until next time
~Sammy

Well hello again, readers.

I finally have more free time, but not as much as I hoped...I still have to get my temps again..and visit colleges. I took the ACT this weekend..and it was pritty challenging. Summer gym has finally started and one week is down..I have 2 weeks left. Then it will officially be summer. ...its late and I only have a few minutes to write..so ill cut to the chase...iv been working and resting a lot..and trying to have some fun.....but i gotta go so ill write later

~until next time- sammy